Finishing a big project and the uncertanty of what’s next.
I finished the baby blanket… (Pattern was found here)
Baby Blanket and hat with my model safely tucked in like a bug in a rug.
I wanted to throw it across the room a number of times but I had kind of gotten cornered into actually following through by my brother who told the recipient it was coming, and my brother is this one person that for some reason I still try to impress and live up to in my life.. that’s a long convoluted story for another time… I have been slowly working on it all summer, mostly on ferry rides back and forth to Vancouver and then something happened… I was messing up the pattern. I thought I was doing what I normally would do, but the pattern was looking different and nothing I did would change that. I took it to Micheal’s and talked to their knitting lady (who was lovely and suggested a couple of fun options) but nothing was working so I threw it down before I burned it… and left it for a while so I could cool down.
As the time for the baby to be born came closer and closer I realized I had no choice and I needed to get on this. So I spent a day.. yep a FULL DAY trying all the different suggestions that had been suggested to me, (maybe your tension is off, maybe you dropped a stitch, etc. etc) but in the end, somewhere in the past month I had started reversing my knit stitch, instead of taking the yarn around the back of the needle I was bringing it in front and it was creating a totally different look…awesome. Several face palms later and another whole day of work (because that day was a complete waste) I had completed the blanket and found out that the baby had been born.. it was a boy, so the flower headband I had already knit for the baby was completely useless now (i’ve still got it stored in my bedroom for the next baby).
I found a pattern online for a baby hat with flaps and bear ears.. (you can find it here) the pattern confused me completely but I managed to use my limited crochet knowledge to crochet the hat, and luckily because my CPR baby manikins had arrived just a short week before I used one of them as a guide and built my pattern based on it’s head size. I know I am very lucky to have a crafty mind, I have friends who say how did you figure that out, but I know I’m just the type of person that has always been good at figuring things out with my hands (except when I’m accidentally stitching backwards.. yeah.. still a soft spot)
The bonnet on my slightly creepy model, i have 4 of these stored in my closet… that didn’t sound creepy did it? :p
So the project is done, part of me is relieved, part of me is terrified because this project has opened a fire for more in my life. When I see a project like this completed and I see my potential my creative juices begin to flow and I want to lock myself in a room and create shit.
I spend so much time feeling like/being a failure and leaving projects unfinished that to actually complete something is amazing and gives me drive to do more. So I take on more than I can handle and burn out or like now, I just feel lost. I want to make something substantial but I am almost afraid to try, because I don’t want to get bogged down on a project that steals my time, takes forever and makes me feel like I’ve failed at just one more project :p ugh.
I’m focusing on the knitting project because I don’t want to admit that that’s how I feel about my life too. I am in this transition period. For some reason I thought I could start a business and I made a business plan, I bought all the equipment and then I got lost. I got lost in all the ‘free’ time I had when I should be hustling. I got caught up in sleeping all day and being awake all night. In trying to clean up my room and staring at the ceiling for two days instead of actually getting it clean done. In keeping busy but not getting anywhere. And now I’m here…. In this lost state, feeling trapped in poverty and a spiraling state, struggling to find any escape.
I feel abandoned by the medical community, as I struggle to regulate myself and pull myself out of this funk and the reply from them is to refill my prescription the same way they filled it last time and tell me to keep on keeping on…. which is actually Einstein’s definition of insanity… doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results (he may have said it, may not have, but it’s accredited to him none the less). But it’s not working. I’m still here, in bed, barely able to move, wasting sooooo many hours of my life in this jail cell. And I feel once again like that helpless girl that I become when I have no purpose because I don’t know how to just love me, without purpose, without job, without project. Messed up, I know.
So here is to the future… the uncertainty of a new project, the uncertainty of a new life and the possibilities that await, will the fire to create and succeed continue to rage? Or will I crash and burn once again? Only time can tell.
a whole as my every time I go to seek help I get peddled a new drug or just handed the same prescription like my condition worsening will be cured by the same old same old.
I know I need a routine but I’ve been struggling the last while with why it is that I don’t love myself enough to commit to a schedule for me.. I am willing to do it for anyone else.. but for some reason I can’t find the strength inside me to do what I can to